The Way I’ve Always

I’ve been thinking about you.

I know I shouldn’t. I mean, it’s only thinking, but after so long even thinking is… idiotic.

But at this point it seems to me unavoidable. I’d done fairly well; I went for so long, not thinking of you, happy in my newfound element. But in the end, the thought of you can never leave my mind; just as the feeling of you will never leave my heart.

I’ve been thinking about what could have been. That is what people think about, right? Nothing actually could have been, I know, but of course I don’t think that matters, in my mind. I guess I just wanted to think about what the nothing could have been. What I wanted it to be.

What I want it to be.

I thought I wanted to hold your hand again— truthfully, I want you to hold mine, the way you used to. I want to talk to you the way I still do, but I want to matter while I do it, the way I used to. I want to lay my head on yours and tell you everything I’m thinking about you, then, now, and forever— the way I used to. I don’t want to feel this way about you anymore, the way I used to. The way I’ve always.

The way I’ll always.